Hurting

I'm scared to death that you'll see through me

I don't know who this will hurt more, you or me

I'm not sure that I ever want to find out

Why can't you keep this terrible knowledge inside?

I know the truth. I found it out.

Like a caged bird, it flutters and it screams

It wants out as badly as I want it to stay

It cries to be released but I cringe when I think

It must happen someday but oh! I dread it

I hope it never comes, when you will say this

I can see in your eyes what you're thinking of

And I'm frightened of being the one you're chasing

I'm flattered but I'm running away full speed

I don't want your attentions. This wasn't meant to be

Why can't you see what I see? It's so clear

I know that you're not the one. I know it

But you don't--one sided situations bring shame

To me and to you even without intentions to do so

All I want is to escape this backfire, this misconception

This is not how it was supposed to end

This is not what my purpose was by any means

I wanted only you to love her, not me! Not me

But here we are, my heart seeping up

Slowly leaking through my tough mask

In tears and in sobs and in red cheeks, red eyes

I was being the good friend, but I couldn't see this

What kind of fool am I? I fail at one thing

And suddenly my walls are down so often

Every time I see you, I'm nervous but

I'm not sure why--it's you, not me, right?

When you open your mouth, I know what's coming

And I want to run away as far as I can

I'm never coming back, I don't want to face this

I don't want to break your heart like I have others

I don't want to see the pain in your eyes that I've seen

That I've given to others. Don't blame me, please

For what I can't help. I know what you don't

I can see what you choose not to and I can feel

What you ignore, what passes you by so slowly

You had so many chances before this, why didn't you

Take those chances? Why didn't you love HER?

Instead I am stuck here in this situation

This awful place that I hate to be because

It can only ever end badly and

I don't want to see you hurt

To You...Whoever you are, whenever you are.

Dear X,

I’ve been thinking lately about letters, longhand, and how no one seems to write them anymore. So I’m going to do this: I’m going to write to you. Maybe not every day, and maybe not until we die, but today, at least.

The first thing to do in the writing of any letter is to gather one’s thoughts. I have problem with this, as you may have figured out by now. My brain is a confusing place, even to me. I’m not good at sentimental, over-bearing emotional writing. I’m good at raw writing; I have a few little ‘rants’ saved on my computer about a number of different things that bug me. But to write down my deepest thoughts about—well, about you—is hard! Harder than I thought it would be.

Here is my best attempt.

I have known you for some time now. Cheesy, I know, but the more I get to know you the more I realize what an amazing person you are. When I first met you, I thought you were just like every other guy around here. You came off as a little bit of a jerk a couple times, and made me mad that year.

Now, though, I’m beginning to see the side of you that I don’t think many people get to see. I’m getting to know who you are and who you want to be; who you were and who you will be. I like hearing about your day, your life, your friends, and your thoughts on obscure things.

I like knowing that you like to hear about my day, too.

The only thing that’s keeping me back is the friendship I have. Maybe if it weren’t for that, I would dive right in, not looking back. Who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t. But because I love my friend so much, that is how we must stay, you and I. This is probably for the best.

As my mom told me, ‘when you find the one, you won’t have to work at it.’

I hope she’s right, because I’m going to keep waiting until I don’t have to work any longer.

Love?,

M

Just Letters

Dear X,

I have decided that you are my inspiration. My hero. You are the person that, right now, I most want to be like. Your life was so full, so wonderful! So complete, and you were so young. Almost as young as I am now. And yet, you did so much. I look up to you, now in more than one way.

But I have a secret to tell you. I am not like you, not at all. At least, I don't think I am. I am quiet around people I don't know well. I am shy at times. Other times, I talk too much. You were so great around everyone. Everyone that knew you loved you so much. You were a light to all those lost in the dark, shining so brightly, pointing them in the right direction, just as a lighthouse guides ships safely to shore. I want to be like you. Help me? Send me advice and wisdom from where you are!

I know that you can't really do anything to help me in the physical sense, but you are driving me to more than what I was before. This past week, I have accomplished so much. Yet there is still so much lacking! I have so many things I want to do with my life, but I either don't know how to begin, don't want to, or simply can't without something more.

So. You are my personal 'trainer.' Or, you are in a way. You are my conscience, in a way, my accountability coach with the things I want to accomplish. You are the one that I will tell things to. Not just little things that I want everyone else to know, too, but important things, things that matter to me. And I know just where to start.

This is going to be an amazing journey for me, and I will always remember you through this.

Love,

M